If you see a family out and about and you feel compelled to do a nice deed for a child with a physical difference or special needs, look around first. Are there siblings around, too? Offer a free cookie. A high five. A comment about how cool they are. Any gesture showing them that they are important and noticeable, too, makes a difference.
Today we had some time in between Olivia’s appointments so I decided against calling in a to-go order for the pho that I had been craving all week and took both kids into the restaurant with me. Going on this impromptu lunch date with Oscar was actually selfish at first. The idea of being alone with both kids in a busy restaurant at peak lunch hour outweighed trying to juggle both kids, a dog, and pho in the car. The place was packed but we found a little spot where I could place Olivia’s car seat somewhat out of the way. As Oscar and I started eating and Olivia played in her car seat (only screaming for more tofu occasionally), I thought about what I could do to make lunch special for him. I didn’t do anything noteworthy by any means, but his behavior was stellar because I was spending normal quality time with him. He wasn’t vying for my attention. He had it.
During Olivia’s second appointment Oscar was with his Marmee so it was just me, Olivia, and the occupational therapists. We were talking about how hard it can be for siblings of children with special needs. Olivia’s OT was sharing about a situation where the older brother has Downs Syndrome and the little brother does not. The other day the older brother got a free cookie. And nothing *again* for the younger brother. It happened to us today at the clinic where Olivia is very well known, loved, and fought over by nurses and staff. But it’s Oscar’s doctor’s office, too. That feeling as a parent of seeing one kid unintentionally snuffed simply because the other kid looks different is complicated, but it just ultimately feels sucky.
It feels sucky because the siblings hold a lot of silent responsibility of trying to protect their siblings. It feels sucky because siblings didn’t get to choose to have any of this. It feels sucky because the siblings are often the MVPs when it comes to flexibility, kindness, patience, and unconditional love.
We deal with stares and rude people occasionally, but most of the time people want to interact with her. Comments about her big blue eyes or questions about her skin or people just reacting to her social personality. We get a lot of attention as a family, but often times people are so focused on Olivia and making her (and us) feel special and accepted that Oscar gets ignored. Maybe I would feel differently if he was a wallflower (I doubt it). I just see Oscar deflate a little each time it happens and it breaks my heart. So, please, for this mama to the world: give both my kids a little love. It lifts all of our spirits.