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Loving on Siblings

If you see a family out and about and you feel compelled to do a nice deed for a child with a physical difference or special needs, look around first. Are there siblings around, too? Offer a free cookie. A high five. A comment about how cool they are. Any gesture showing them that they are important and noticeable, too, makes a difference.

Today we had some time in between Olivia’s appointments so I decided against calling in a to-go order for the pho that I had been craving all week and took both kids into the restaurant with me. Going on this impromptu lunch date with Oscar was actually selfish at first. The idea of being alone with both kids in a busy restaurant at peak lunch hour outweighed trying to juggle both kids, a dog, and pho in the car. The place was packed but we found a little spot where I could place Olivia’s car seat somewhat out of the way. As Oscar and I started eating and Olivia played in her car seat (only screaming for more tofu occasionally), I thought about what I could do to make lunch special for him. I didn’t do anything noteworthy by any means, but his behavior was stellar because I was spending normal quality time with him. He wasn’t vying for my attention. He had it.

During Olivia’s second appointment Oscar was with his Marmee so it was just me, Olivia, and the occupational therapists. We were talking about how hard it can be for siblings of children with special needs. Olivia’s OT was sharing about a situation where the older brother has Downs Syndrome and the little brother does not. The other day the older brother got a free cookie. And nothing *again* for the younger brother. It happened to us today at the clinic where Olivia is very well known, loved, and fought over by nurses and staff. But it’s Oscar’s doctor’s office, too. That feeling as a parent of seeing one kid unintentionally snuffed simply because the other kid looks different is complicated, but it just ultimately feels sucky.

It feels sucky because the siblings hold a lot of silent responsibility of trying to protect their siblings. It feels sucky because siblings didn’t get to choose to have any of this. It feels sucky because the siblings are often the MVPs when it comes to flexibility, kindness, patience, and unconditional love.

We deal with stares and rude people occasionally, but most of the time people want to interact with her. Comments about her big blue eyes or questions about her skin or people just reacting to her social personality. We get a lot of attention as a family, but often times people are so focused on Olivia and making her (and us) feel special and accepted that Oscar gets ignored. Maybe I would feel differently if he was a wallflower (I doubt it). I just see Oscar deflate a little each time it happens and it breaks my heart. So, please, for this mama to the world: give both my kids a little love. It lifts all of our spirits.

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Olivia is One!

(I’m behind on cross posting – sorry!)

The day after Christmas was Olivia’s first birthday! There are a lot of feelings that have been rushing in and out the last few weeks as we’ve been trying to prepare ourselves for this day. And it feels oddly normal and I am welcoming that with so much joy and comfort – two words that have felt so distant at times in this past year.

Last Christmas morning, as Oscar and my nephews ran around my mom’s living room hopped up on sugar and excitement with torn wrapping paper and new toys strewn about, I leaned over to Casey and said, “Can you believe there will be another one next year?” In my head I wondered if she would be walking by Christmas or if she would be babbling any coherent words. I wondered if she would fit in Oscar’s Christmas PJs that were hand-me-downs from my nephews.

By the next evening I was wishing I had never said that to Casey. I was wishing I could wipe away that memory forever. It was too painful because I didn’t know if we would have a toddling baby next Christmas. The thought that grief would be forever linked to Christmas broke my heart. I kept pushing the memory aside, but it kept creeping back. It felt like torture at the time, but maybe it was God telling me to hold on to that hope. That joy.

In the hospital room while labor was progressing, one of my midwives asked me how I was feeling about unexpectedly delivering at a hospital 8 weeks early. I shrugged and said, “I’ve surrendered this whole thing at this point. The baby is coming one way or another.” Surrender ended up being the word for the year and it has twisted me and changed me and made me see hard things about myself. But early on that word gave me a lot of peace. If I surrendered this chaotic and emotional situation to God then it took some of the heaviness off of my shoulders. So, I asked for peace in God’s will while I surrendered control and expectation.

I remember thinking that if I were to pray for a miracle I don’t even know what the miracle would be. Would it be for that white plaque to just slip off and disappear if she does live? Is the miracle just asking for her to simply make the month that they said she may not live through? I silently asked God for both. Little did I know that those plaques would come off and she would fight through that month and come out on the other side.

The morning after Christmas I kept feeling the urge to pee and was surprised how much leaking was going on. I didn’t feel great, but I chalked it up to all the weird things that happen during pregnancy and being exhausted from Christmas. I checked in with my midwives and we all decided to just keep an eye on things. Looking back I was obviously in labor, but it was a solid two months before my due date so it was easy to push things aside. I tried to go about our day. When we sat down for lunch at a local restaurant I kept having the urge to pee. The last time I went to the bathroom there was blood in the toilet. I felt like I had the air knocked out of me. This is so early. I caught my breath, texted the midwives, walked back to the table and told Casey there was blood and we need to go to the hospital now. I remember feeling nervous, but I tried to stay calm for the sake of everybody else. We made it to the hospital where my mom works and she took lunch and came up to be with me while I checked in. At that point I was still hoping that we could just go home after this. That they would just monitor the baby for a little while, tell me to rest and take it easy, and then we could just go home. But, it was clear that I was in active labor and it wasn’t slowing down anytime soon. After an incredibly traumatic hospital birthing experience that I’m still working on processing, Olivia was finally born. Although I like to remember it as thinking everything was fine until I saw her, I knew that everything was not fine for most of my pushing. The way the nurses and the doctors were acting put me on edge. I knew in my heart something wasn’t right, but I couldn’t figure out what.

I was waiting for someone to bring her to me and as I turned around to sit on the bed, I saw Casey and my mom crying and consoling one another and I didn’t understand what was going on. The neonatologist held her up for me to see and said, “your baby has a rare condition and you can either hold her now for her last breaths or we can try to stabilize her.” I remember wondering as a Catholic what I was supposed to say right then. I guess take her? That’s the right thing, right? I later learned that although her vitals were fine, the plaques restricted her chest cavity and covered her nostrils and she was at a high risk for infection due to the deep fissures between the plaques.

It felt like there was a mad dash of activity and then it was all gone. I remember sitting in the hospital room with the lights low and the evening nurse, and our friend, Michele, and my mom. Somewhere in there we made the decision for Olivia to be transferred to UCSF, we visited her trying to see her through the plaque and the wires and the dressings. I got cleaned up, showered, and changed into my clothes. I remember that I was annoyed that the water didn’t get very hot. We waited for the priests to come to do an emergency baptism. They didn’t make it in time, but they prayed with us and for us and for Olivia. What is most clear is sitting in that room that all of the sudden felt so big with an empty bassinet where Olivia was supposed to be, and just not knowing what was going to happen next.

Those first few days and nights in San Francisco I was running on pure adrenaline. Poor Oscar was sick for the first time and it killed me that I couldn’t be with him. As I walked to and from Olivia’s room, the family lounge, and the cafeteria I saw people going about their days and other parents who looked fine. I wondered, “how can you look so okay when your baby might be dying?” How is no one else looking like how I feel? How can there be any joy here? Every time I saw little girls and babies all around the hospital I felt a pang – will Olivia make it to that? As time went on and Olivia stabilized, I’m sure other moms saw me in the NICU and wondered the same thing. It all became routine for us. We woke up, ate breakfast, walked to the hospital, took Oscar to the playroom, checked in with the nurses, waited for rounds, got Oscar from the play room, had lunch, went back to Family House and napped, went back to the hospital, had dinner, put Oscar down, and often went back to the hospital or sometimes I even slept.

It all feels so far away – all of the emotions and the intensity and enormity – but things do happen that bring it crashing back to the forefront. Days before Olivia’s first birthday she had a procedure scheduled and I found myself in the high energy of advocating again. I prepared myself for being back in a hospital setting so close to her birthday, the anniversary of the start of the Year of Surrender, but there are just things you can’t prepare for. We were given the wrong procedure time, which means that her food and fluid were cut off 2 hours earlier than they needed to be. I found myself holding back the wrath growing in my chest as I calmly explained that we have special circumstances. I hate bringing this up because I know medical professionals hear every parent talk about why their kids need extra attention and care, but in this case I actually have a foot to stand on. But, I’ve learned make friends and be part of the team, and when you get them on your team you can move mountains. And it worked because it always works, but it’s exhausting. It’s exhausting to push aside my anger and frustration and twist my assertiveness to be friendly with a forced smile. It works so it’s worth the effort, I tell myself over and over again. Surrender the burden, the exhaustion, the sadness, the frustration – I know I have to surrender those feelings, too. Hand them over and choose to keep working for the light, for the good. Because there is light and the darkness did not overcome it. The darkness will not overcome it. And isn’t that the whole point of the waiting in Advent and the joyous celebration in Christmas? Olivia has taught us this over and over again. Her birth and her life have humbled our whole family (both natural and chosen families) in ways that we never saw coming. For me, she has taught me to surrender to what I cannot control. She has taught me to stay focused on the hope and the light because the darkness will not overcome it, and in the end there will be joy and peace.

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#GivingTuesday Guide 2018

#GivingTuesday is a great opportunity to take a break from all of the holiday spending and think about some organizations and nonprofits that are deserving of a little extra love. During these holidays many people feel the pull to give their time or money, and whether we realize it or not, this is incredibly fitting for where we are in the liturgical year. Advent is like a mini Lent where we simplify and sacrifice some daily joys with the hope and anticipation of the coming of a Great Feast. And #GivingTuesday is an opportunity to engage in that spirit by “giving up” some of our treasure for “nothing” in return.

Something I don’t share about often on here is that my professional passion is nonprofit management. I have worked in programs and in fund development. I have worked on the ground and behind the scenes. I have worked or volunteered in homeless services, restorative justice, education reform, refugee resettlement, environmental education, and in consulting roles for organizations with all sorts of missions statements. And if one thing is true across the board it’s this: community-based nonprofits and social change organizations rely on generous donors like yourself to carry out their important work. But the generosity of the community also pays for employees’ wages and benefits, for utilities and rent, for computers and office supplies. These last items are often what grants and federal funding won’t cover and donors don’t get as excited about giving $100 for utilities as they do about ensuring a child has lunch for a week. But this is why nonprofits often don’t offer competitive compensation for their employees. But I’m starting to go into a topic for another day.

Year-end giving is a last push to engage donors and receive donations to keep an organization strong. Many nonprofits have matching funds or other incentives that can drive more money to programs and services that reach the marginalized and disenfranchised. And that’s why #GivingTuesday is an important reminder to set aside some of our treasure to offer it to the organizations that are doing good service for our communities.

At the end of this post I will give a list of some organizations that I think deserve attention. This #GivingTuesday do some research and find organizations in your area that serve a group of people or fight for a cause YOU believe in. If there is a community foundation in your city, check out if they are running a giving campaign like Monterey County Gives. These campaigns raise millions of dollars for small organizations each year.

Think about programs that you have received some sort of benefit from. Many programs for children are nonprofits. Many museums and aquariums and zoos rely on donations. Many green spaces and parks have foundations or initiatives that raise money to keep these areas protected. Libraries also often have a “Friends of the Library” group that accepts donations on their behalf.

Think about the people in your community that need the most support. Are there a lot of folks that live outdoors Migrants? Refugees? Single mothers? Good chance there is an organization serving these populations to some extent. And of course there are the organizations that provide services for mental health, housing, education, rehabilitation, and the list goes on.

Here are some organizations that are important to me:

Family House

If you have been following my family’s story you will know that our daughter was in the NICU for 3.5 months and we were 2.5 hours from home. Family House provides free housing to families of children with life threatening illnesses that live 50 miles or more from UCSF. But, really, Family House provides more than just a room to sleep in. The staff fosters an environment that breeds community and support. Walking into Family House felt like a refuge after long days at the hospital. Often times there was free food in the kitchens, activities for the kids, and warm smiles at the front desk. Being able to laugh at a joke or talk about something other than medical jargon or talk some more about medical jargon, the staff was there – sometimes with warm cookies and milk or tickets to a Giants game. Or sometimes just a hug. We even were able to stay there for follow up appointments in the city, which was such a relief to not have to make that long drive twice in a day for a 30 minute appointment.

Honestly, they have thought about pretty much anything. Including Fozzy’s Toy Room, which is a little store with a selection of free toys for each child per visit – of course it was one of Oscar’s favorite places to visit whenever we stayed at Family House. If you want to help purchase items to fill Fozzy’s Toy Room you can see the Amazon Wishlist here.

UCSF Benoiff Children’s Hospital

This state-of-the-art hospital provided more than just life saving medical care for Olivia. The hospital also had Child Life Specialists and programs that offered services for Oscar, including a play room where he could go a few hours every day so that Casey and I could both be in Olivia’s room at once or, you know, talk without interruptions in day light. Or eat. Oscar loved the playroom and became very close with the employees and volunteers there. He looked forward to going every day to play and learn. The hospital also provided social workers, family services, and mass every Sunday.

Foundation for Ichthyosis and Related Skin Types (FIRST)

FIRST is dedicated to advocacy, research, and support for the ichthyosis community. We had never even heard the word ichthyosis before Olivia was born, and for something so rare the Internet can be a scary and unhelpful place. FIRST’s website is full of articles and information for medical professionals and families alike. Within a week or two of Olivia’s birth I received a phone call from the Executive Director and was given the names and contact information of other Harlequin Ichthyosis families. I still go to the website for recommendations of skin care products or ideas for things that are hard to navigate, like rude strangers. FIRST also supports research for medicines and cures and genetic testing – a glimmer of hope for all of us. And maybe most important is that FIRST hosts a conference every two years. We got to go this past summer and it was so good to meet other ichthyosis families in person.

World Relief

Consider donating to organizations, like World Relief or Catholic Relief Services or Catholic Charities, that may have lost federal funding or has greatly reduced funding for their good work around immigration and refugee resettlement. World Relief took a big hit under the current administration and had to close several offices, including one I loved volunteering at here in Nashville.

Restorative Justice Partners, Inc.

MEarth

Catholic Charities of Tennessee

New Camaldoli Hermitage

Spero Collaborative

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Preparing for Advent

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Preparing for the Beginning of a New Liturgical Year

Advent is a time to prepare for Jesus’ coming. Recently I heard on The Simple Show podcast that Saint Francis of Assisi talked about the three-fold preparation: remembering Mary’s pregnant preparation to welcome the Son of God into the world, preparing our hearts for Jesus to come to us this Christmas season, and in preparation for Jesus’ promised coming in the future. How perfect is that to tie into the Catholic ideas regarding conversion: we have been saved, we are being saved, and we will continue to be saved. Advent also marks the beginning of the new liturgical year.

One thing that I like to do before Advent every year is to attempt to get all of my holiday shopping done. This is no easy task considering that within Advent and Christmas we celebrate a handful of birthdays in addition to Saint Nicholas Day and Christmas. We do go crazy with gifts in our family and I loathe shopping, so getting this done so that we can actually enjoy the season is important to me.

A Short Guide to Responsible Shopping

The reality is that many of us do still partake in the consumerist aspect of the Northern American traditions of Christmas, but something that I have found that helps me better line up my shopping with my Catholic faith is to be intentional about where I spend my money.

As my much cooler than me friend-from-college, Rani, reminded me: let’s support small, local, organic artists and makers. Let’s try to support companies committed to social and environmental justice, sustainability, and our Earth. Apart from finding small shops and artisans on social media, the Internet, or local craft fairs, you can also support B Corps businesses. If you haven’t heard of B Corps businesses, I highly recommend reading up on it here!

Two B Corps and/or organic companies that I love and trust and frequently buy from (and some have already started their Black Friday sales):

PACT ORGANICS (Men, Women, and Children Apparel)

https://wearpact.com

Click here to get $20 off your first order

I love their socks, leggings, and shirts and children’s shirts and PJs. They always have great deals and bundles going and the products are well made and super soft!

COTOPAXI (Outdoor/Adventure Wear and Outdoor Gear)

https://www.cotopaxi.com

Click here to get $20 off your first order

I first came across Cotopaxi on Instagram as a sponsored ad and after a year I finally purchased one of their bags as I kept tracking great reviews. And then I purchased another bag for myself, one for my husband, and some just to have. I just ordered a pair of their joggers ad a puff jacket. The quality of everything is fantastic and the layouts of all the bags are perfect. I love, love this company.

I also love supporting shops of small independent artists/craftspeople. I have either found them on Instagram or I know them in real life and I think you might like them, too:

Rani Ban– screen printed shirts and other art

Be A Heart– hand lettering, posters, baby swaddles, bandanas, and all things pretty

Brass and Mint Co– hand lettering, prints, mugs, and more things pretty

Rose Harrington– beautiful prints, floral rosaries, mugs, and even more things pretty

Quail Lane Press– beautiful topographic prints

If you want to learn more about living out the Catholic liturgical year, here are some great resources!

Haley from Carrots for Michaelmashas two cookbooks, an autobiographical account of living more simply in The Grace of Enough(which is on my current reading list)

Kendra Tierney’s blog Catholic All Yearand she has a new book, The Catholic All Year Compendium, out that compiles and adds to what is included in her blog

Listen to this three episode series of The Simple Show podcast:

I hope this offered some help in preparing for a purposeful Advent!

I’ll be back with a #GivingTuesday guide and a list of Advent feasts, traditions, and prayers soon!

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Today’s Mindful Wanderings: Hallowtide + Momento mori

Halloween is the beginning of Hallowtide in the Catholic Church – the first of three days where the Church remembers those that have come before us: Halloween (All Hallows Eve), All Saints Day (All Hallows Day), and All Souls Day. Halloween, for us, is actually supposed to be a day of fasting followed by All Hallows Day, which is a feast of celebration and remembrance of the saints that came before us. All Souls Day is a feast and celebration of remembrance of all of the departed, especially those close to us. Many are aware of Dia de los muertos in many Latin American countries, especially since Disney’s movie Coco came out last year. And the movie wasn’t that far off in some regards – we set up pictures and candles and we remember our lost loved ones, often eating and drinking the things that they also loved.

If you hang around Catholic circles enough you will end up coming across the Latin phrase “Memento mori” which means remember that you will die. It may seem morbid, but really it’s a call to recenter priorities and refocus on God, as our ultimate goal is to be a saint, to enter Heaven. Hallowtide reminds us of this, too. Hallowtide reminds us that, as Sr. Theresa Aletheia Noble points out in her article about “Memento Mori,” “…Jesus has changed the nature of death for those who believe. Before becoming pope, then-Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger once wrote: ‘The sting of death is extinguished in Christ.’”

Some believe that the veil between the departed and the living is thinned during this time of year, but the Catholic doctrine regarding saints has helped me understand that our friends in Heaven are always near with an open heart and a listening ear asking, “how can I pray for you today, my friend?”

And the past 18 months has also shown me how thin that veil between life and death really is. The first week in July of 2017 I found out I was pregnant with Olivia and my sister was diagnosed with breast cancer at the age of 34. The anticipation of life and the reality that we will all die someday sitting together in one room. We find so much hope and strength in anticipation for babies to enter this world, don’t we? But babies also remind us of the fragility of life. Olivia came 8 weeks early and with a congenital skin condition that had potentially bleak outcomes. When Olivia was born that veil between life and death seemed not like a veil, but a gaping doorway that she could slip in and out of at any moment.

A year after my pregnancy news and year after my sister’s diagnosis – only about three months since Olivia had been discharged from the hospital – our 18 year old cousin fell into a coma. And all of the sudden I was reminded of that thin veil between life and death once again. Again, face to face with how quickly and unexpectedly our life can be taken away. Our familial resiliency convened once again and we came around to support one another again. Although weary from our own sufferings and questioning how much more we will be asked to endure, we found each other. And I’m reminded that we have ancestors that came before us that endured their own hardships and they are still there beside us, convening with us asking, “Mi amor, how can I pray for you?”

As my sister’s tests came back clear, and Olivia continued to be her happy and content self, and my cousin made progress recovering from a brain injury, I found out the one of the youth that I worked closely with during my time working in restorative justice was shot and killed by other young people in his apartment complex. My heart broke as I wondered how much more emotional energy I had stored up to process this all. And I found comfort and hope in “momento mori” because our life on earth doesn’t have to be the end. We learn. We grow in relationship with others. We find and rediscover our identity and who God has called us to be with the hope that we leave a legacy of love and goodness for those that will come after us. We endure for the good of the future.

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A Note from Natalie: We’re All Doing Alright

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I can hardly believe that it has been three months since I last wrote an update. As most of you know, in August our little family of four (and our dog, Oso) said, “see ya soon” to California and made our way to Tennessee. There are several things that prompted the move, and although it was certainly the right decision for our family, it has not been easy. The move itself was relatively painless thanks to Casey, his little brother, and his dad. My dear friend Melissa was sweet enough to drive from Long Beach to Carmel Valley to San Francisco, to hop on a plane just to be an extra set of hands for the flight. She is simply the best.

We are living and helping out on a beautiful farm in a small town east of Nashville. Casey gets up most mornings to help with the morning chores and helps throughout the day with anything from cleaning eggs to moving cattle fencing. I have learned how to eviscerate chickens and ducks. With this setup Casey is able to spend time working on his music and we can spend more time together as a family. This transition has forced me to rethink my ideas around productivity. I have worked outside of the house pulling in predictable and scheduled paychecks that I’m trying to figure out what is realistic to expect of myself right now.

Between the farm work, establishing medical care for Olivia, and settling into life as a family of four, the last few months have just blown by. We deeply miss “our people” back in California that did so much to wrap us in their arms and take care of us in immeasurable ways. We were so lucky to have people around us that knew how to deeply care for us. We have been welcomed to Tennessee by some wonderful people, including the Simpsons who have been gracious enough to let us “help” on the farm. We are continuously humbled by the generosity and love that was and continues to be extended to us.

Life seems to be slowing as the weather gets cooler and Casey and I are finding that there are a lot of things that we are just now processing about the last 10 months. It often feels like the world was going by us a hundred miles an hour and it has taken awhile for us to catch up. And as Olivia’s first birthday draws near, I find myself wondering how it’s all going to feel when the day after Christmas arrives. Of course, we find ourselves in awe of her on a daily basis. In awe that she is here with us giving up belly laughs for Oscar and mimicking sounds. We are in awe that she has such a laidback temperament after the trauma that she has experienced in her short 10 months. We often say that when you look at her, you just know that her soul knows something more than any words can express. She’s already lived a remarkable life. And we know that there is just more of the sweetness to come, and for that we are incredibly lucky. But do not be fooled, the girl has an ornery streak.

Establishing medical care for a baby with a rare condition in a new state is a fulltime job  – let me tell you. I’m still trying to learn the ins and outs of the system in Tennessee. We are fortunate enough to be tapped into Vanderbilt, which has a children’s hospital that is on par with USCF. The care Olivia has received has been wonderful. What is difficult is educating and re-educating about Harlequin ichthysosis, and having to answer the same questions and review the same information over and over again. As any parent of a child with medical needs will tell you, it’s draining and exhausting to go through these appointments. At UCSF all the specialists saw Olivia while she was still in the NICU so they were learning with me. Here, they walk into the room like a deer caught in headlights. What has helped me be a little less annoyed is that Vanderbilt is a teaching hospital, as was UCSF, which means that just by Olivia going to her routine appointments future medical professionals are learning about a rare condition. If that means that another set of parents down the road doesn’t have to be told outdated information and can be given some peace of mind, than I can curb my frustration that her chart is STILL not up to date after months of appointments.

Olivia has been able to maintain some weight gain without her feeding tube, but that conversation is still my least favorite and the most frequent. We go to physical therapy and occupational therapy on a weekly basis and we average three appointments a week in Nashville (about a 40 minute drive). Cognitively Olivia is typical and hitting her marks.  Although, we know she has minor hearing loss in one ear, she is cooing and mimicking sounds. She still loves to hear Casey play guitar just like when she was in the hospital. She and Oscar find so much joy in “playing” together, which is usually Oscar whipping around the room and Olivia smiling and laughing along. Olivia sits up on her own and has been doing so for a little over a month.  Much of her physical development is delayed though – she doesn’t roll over well, or frequently, and she is just now starting to put weight on her feet and legs. We know to be patient because she will catch up. She will be getting another ear cleaning and hearing test in the next few weeks to determine her hearing in her left ear. She may need surgery on her left hand and left foot – we have an appointment next week about that. I’m hoping none of this means any more hospital stays, but that’s always a possibility. It seems as though hair is growing in well, but her scalp is definitely one of her most dry areas so damaged hair follicles are always a concern. Overall, Olivia is doing well. She is happy and curious and sociable. We are so lucky to have her in our family.

Life is starting to find its rhythm again. Please continue to pray for us: that we are able to figure out stable income, Olivia’s continued health as flu season started early this year, and for wisdom and protection for upcoming procedures.  And, as always, keep all the families with children in the hospital in your prayers. Lastly, please keep my cousin Tito in your prayers. He is recovering from being in a coma. I started a GoFundMe for my aunt where you can learn more about his progress: https://www.gofundme.com/TitoAlfaro.

In infinite gratitude,

Natalie

+JMJ+

 

 

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Home: Saying Goodbye (for now)

The great irony of my life is that when I proclaim something, I often end up eating my words. I had finally settled into being home and I was in the process of coming to terms with what life might look like for me in the near future taking on some small side paying jobs, starting Oscar in a preschool, and mapping out some goals with Casey for his music. I was trying to establish a routine and a schedule for us. I was finding my identity again and that was largely reflected back to me through this place that I feel in my bones: home. My last blog post was all about the healing power of this place for me and how intimately we know one another.

But, as life goes, God took me for a 180 that I could never have guessed. Again, I was reminded that “surrender” is the word of 2018. On our way to drop off an application for an apartment in Monterey, a series of events occurred that drastically changed our route. The short of it is that we will be moving to the Nashville area in August to work on a farm and dig deep into that music world. A world that we’ve carefully skirted around for years, but Casey is ready to go at it again. As much as we both wanted to fight it, we just had to say yes. It was all divinely falling into place.

We partly had to say yes out of desperation, too. The Monterey Peninsula is just too expensive. It breaks my heart to see my fellow Californians being pushed out of their hometowns because the cost of living is unattainable for most of us. We’ve all heard it over and over: my generation was told to go to college and promised you’d get a good job and you’d be better off than your parents. We all know where the rest of this goes.

I have a complicated relationship with Nashville, which made for a tearful and reluctant muttering of yes. Little did I know Casey was praying that I would have an open mind and heart about the whole thing. See, I have said countless times that we would never move back there. I would never move back there. I couldn’t help but be baffled at God’s timing of this all. After the last year that we have had now is the time that I have to surrender again? But, I couldn’t deny this tugging feeling that home was telling me to move on. And as I rolled my eyes and agreed to the move, it finally made sense why I had to say “yes” all those other times. For anyone that knows us, a move to Nashville has been discussed and reworked a dozen times. In the end, it was never right. Each time I agreed to this move before and it didn’t happen, it was like God was softening me so that this time, in His time, I was ready to do it. He knew that I wouldn’t have agreed so easily if this was the first time because this move is and will continue to be complicated with a 2.5 year old and a 6 month old with a rare skin condition and a lot of medical needs.

An adventure awaits us that we are being called to undertake. I am heartbroken to leave my precious California and to leave my family and friends. We live in literally one of the most beautiful places on earth. I can barely think of the Pacific Ocean without feeling a lump well in my throat. This place and this community has been so good to us for so long.

As you can imagine, moving across the country is expensive. Transferring all of Olivia’s medical records and history continues to be a saga of terrible hold music and a glaring verification that bureaucratic systems are made at the hands of flawed humans. But, we will make it work and it will be okay. As my very wise aunt, Gina, told me in a voicemail recently: “…it all works out in the bigger picture. You don’t know what’s in store for you.” So, off we go.